In this guide
- What “low libido” really means
- How common it is, according to real data
- The causes nobody wants to admit
- Antidepressants and other medicines
- Testosterone: the usual suspect
- Porn, novelty and the “too much” question
- When desire is mismatched in a couple
- What actually helps
- When to see a doctor
- My take
People imagine that someone in my profession wakes up every day ready for anything. The truth is that desire is not a machine with an on button, for me or for anyone. I have had weeks when I was tired, stressed or just mentally somewhere else, and my interest in sex went down. That is normal. What is not normal is when it disappears and stays gone, and you have no idea why.
I am not a doctor, and this is not medical advice. The facts come from the NHS and from research I link below. The opinions are mine.
What “low libido” really means
Libido is simply sex drive: how much you think about sex, want it and seek it out. There is no correct level. Some men want sex every day, some once a month, and both can be completely healthy.
So “low libido” does not mean “less than other men”. It means less than what is normal for you, for long enough that it bothers you or causes problems in your relationship. A drop for a week during exams or a family crisis is life. A drop that lasts months is information.
It also helps to separate desire from function. Low libido is about wanting sex. Erectile dysfunction is about the body responding. They often mix, because a man who has had a few bad experiences may start avoiding sex, but they are different problems with different solutions. If erections are your main issue, start with erectile dysfunction in young men.
How common it is, according to real data
Men rarely talk about this, so many think they are alone. They are not.
The UK’s third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3), one of the largest sex surveys in the world, interviewed over 15,000 people. Published in The Lancet in 2013, it found that among sexually active people, about 15% of men and 34% of women reported lacking interest in sex for three months or more in the previous year (Mitchell et al., PubMed).
Fifteen percent is roughly one man in seven. Think about that the next time you sit in a room with your friends, all pretending they are permanently hungry for sex.
Desire is not a fixed personality trait. It is a signal, and it reacts to almost everything happening in your life.
The causes nobody wants to admit
The NHS page on low sex drive lists the main causes plainly: relationship problems, stress, anxiety, tiredness, depression, some medicines, drinking too much alcohol or using drugs, lower hormone levels and some long-term conditions (NHS: low sex drive).
That list is not exciting, but it is honest. In my experience, the most common real reasons are:
- Stress and exhaustion. Work, money, a new baby, caring for a parent. A brain in survival mode does not prioritise sex.
- Poor sleep. Short or broken sleep affects mood, energy and hormones. Many men who “lost their libido” are simply chronically tired.
- Relationship problems. Resentment, constant arguments, feeling unappreciated. Desire does not grow well in a cold room.
- Mood. Depression often removes pleasure from everything, sex included. Sometimes low libido is the first sign men notice, because they will not admit the sadness.
- Alcohol and drugs. Regular heavy drinking affects desire and performance. I explain the details in alcohol and sex.
- Fear of failure. A man who had erection problems or finished too early a few times may start avoiding sex. From the outside it looks like low desire. Inside, it is anxiety, which I cover in sexual performance anxiety.
Antidepressants and other medicines
This is a big one, and many men never connect the dots. The NHS lists sexual problems, including low sex drive, difficulty reaching orgasm and erection problems, among the common side effects of SSRI antidepressants such as sertraline, fluoxetine and citalopram (NHS: SSRI side effects).
If your libido dropped after starting a new medicine, do not stop it on your own. Stopping antidepressants suddenly can cause withdrawal symptoms and bring back the depression. Talk to the doctor who prescribed it. Sometimes the dose can be adjusted, the timing changed or a different medicine used. Doctors have this conversation all the time. You will not shock them.
Other medicines can affect desire too, including some used for blood pressure, prostate problems and hair loss, and hormonal treatments. Your pharmacist can check your list in five minutes.
Testosterone: the usual suspect
When men lose desire, the first thing they blame is testosterone. Sometimes they are right. Testosterone does play a role in libido, and genuinely low levels can cause low desire, erection problems, tiredness, low mood and loss of muscle.
But I see a whole industry selling “testosterone boosters” to men whose problem is almost certainly something else. Testosterone declines slowly with age, and the NHS notes that the so-called “male menopause” is often a misleading term, because many symptoms in middle-aged men have other causes such as stress, lifestyle or mood (NHS: male menopause).
The only way to know is a proper blood test, usually taken in the morning and repeated if low. I wrote a full guide on this in testosterone and sex drive. Do not inject or buy hormones online without medical supervision. I have seen what that can do to men’s bodies in gyms, and it is not pretty.
Porn, novelty and the “too much” question
I am a porn actor, so I get this question a lot: can watching too much porn kill your desire for real sex?
The honest answer is that the research is mixed and still debated, and I am not going to pretend otherwise. What I can say from experience is this: if most of your sexual energy goes to a screen every night, it is not surprising that you have less left for a partner. That is not a disease, it is maths. And if you only feel aroused by something extremely specific on a screen, it is worth asking yourself whether your habits have narrowed what excites you.
Some men find that a break from porn helps them reconnect with real desire. Others notice no difference. If you suspect it matters for you, try it for a few weeks and observe honestly. And if your porn use feels out of control, that is a reason to talk to a professional, not to feel ashamed.
When desire is mismatched in a couple
Very often the “problem” is not that one person has low desire, but that two people have different desire. One wants sex three times a week, the other once a fortnight. Neither is broken.
What helps couples is talking about it without blame, and understanding that desire for many people is responsive: it appears after touch and closeness starts, not before. Waiting to “feel like it” spontaneously can mean waiting forever, especially in a long relationship with kids, jobs and bills. Creating time for intimacy, without pressure that it must end in intercourse, often brings desire back better than any pill.
What actually helps
There is no magic supplement for libido. What works depends on the cause, but these are the basics I believe in:
- Sleep properly. Seven to nine hours is not a luxury, it is maintenance.
- Move your body. Exercise improves mood, energy and blood flow. I explain how in exercise and erectile function.
- Drink less. Alcohol is a depressant in more ways than one.
- Deal with stress. Talking to someone, therapy, changing what can be changed.
- Fix the relationship, not just the sex. Often desire returns when resentment leaves.
- Review your medicines with a doctor or pharmacist.
- Treat depression or anxiety. The NHS lists talking therapies like CBT as an option when mood is the cause.
When to see a doctor
See a GP if your low sex drive:
- Has lasted more than a few weeks and worries you or your partner.
- Started after a new medicine.
- Comes with low mood, constant tiredness, erection problems or loss of morning erections (see morning erections).
- Comes with physical changes like breast tenderness, shrinking testicles or loss of body hair.
These can point to hormonal or medical causes that deserve proper tests.
My take
In my profession, men are supposed to be machines. Always ready, always hungry. It is a fantasy, and it hurts real men who compare themselves to it. Nobody in this industry is permanently in the mood. Desire is affected by sleep, stress, the people around you and the life you are living, exactly like yours.
If your libido has dropped, do not panic and do not buy the first “booster” you see. Look at your sleep, your stress, your drinking, your relationship and your medicines. Get a check-up. Most causes of low desire are understandable, and many are fixable.
And be kind to yourself. A man with a lower drive is not less of a man. He is a man whose body is telling him something.
For the human stories behind the women of this industry, read my columns on House of Maximo. Follow my work at maximogarciaworld.com, and for the 18+ side, fuckingpornstars.net.
Sources
- NHS. Low sex drive (loss of libido).
- Mitchell KR et al. Sexual function in Britain: findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3). The Lancet, 2013.
- NHS. Side effects of SSRI antidepressants.
- NHS. The ‘male menopause’.
- NHS. Erectile dysfunction (impotence).
